If and when your mate comes home to you, he or she will need to sever the soul ties they have developed in their time in the Far Country with their adulterous lover(s). 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 shows why this is important. This HAS to happen in order for your spouse to be completely set free from their ties with their unholy relationships. Without breaking these ties, there will remain a pull from the enemy, constantly tormenting them and tempting them to leave and run back into the immoral life they now miss and are trying to resist.
This is not only for our spouses. While you are Standing, ask God to reveal any soul ties you may have so you can break them. Soul ties are not always formed through physical intimacy. They can also be formed by associations or friendships in your life that were/are not healthy or Godly. If you made promises or vows with others that need to be repented of, then do it. He will show you where they are.
If you can attend a ministry such as Cleansing Stream, then I highly recommend it. If not, here is one resource you both can use. I even advocate that you do this before being physically intimate with your spouse, lest you also be joined to their immoral relationships.
Sometimes adultery can sneak up on you even when you least expect it. Unfortunately it has become more and more common that separations in marriage often lead to, or are because of, one spouse becoming emotionally or physically involved with someone outside of the marriage. When this happens, it can be devastating. Some of the resources I have found most helpful in understanding what I was dealing with are here:
You are not trying to restore the marriage you had. That is both impossible and undesirable. You are setting out to build a new marriage - with the same person - on the ashes of the old, and on a new foundation built upon the solid rock of Jesus Christ.
Open Letter to Cheaters
Those who commit adultery are setting themselves up for punishment, destruction, and disgrace. (Proverbs 6:29, 32, 33) #marriageworks
If you are temporarily in a place where your husband/wife is not doing what they should do by you, be not afraid! Sometimes in marriage we have forgotten whom our help comes from and we must know and remember that our help comes from The LORD at all times, not from our husband or wife.
Though GOD may have used them to be a distributor to you for what HE had for you, you must know and remember GOD is Always your source. Let Him change you first during this time!
"But my GOD shall supply all your need according to HIS riches in glory by CHRIST JESUS". - Philippians 4:19
- (God Made the Marriage Covenant Facebook group)
Steps For A Healed Marriage
You can cry all day long and pray, but that's not going to move God to work on your situation. He does hear your cry and understand your needs, but that's not faith and faith is what it takes for God to move that mountain out of your life. The need we have in our time of grief is to get the person we love back into our lives. We love him and miss him (or her) and it hurts, Oh God does it hurt. But God wants us to love and miss Him more than we miss our mate. He wants us to lean on Him, give Him our grief and let Him take care of it for us. He wants your love, your pleas, and for you to get out of His way.
You see, God wants a relationship with you, an intimate relationship. He wants to be Number 1 in your life. "Love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might." God first, your spouse second. When we’re weeping and crying praying to get our mate back, we're putting our needs before God. You'll know who you love most by who you think about most. When you're praying for God to restore your marriage in your dire need, are you thinking about God, or yourself?
One of the wonderful things about God is, when you give your heart to God, He will not hurt it. He will heal it and make you better. He will heal your pain so you can think right about your situation...so you can pray right, love right, be right. If you don't let go and let God, you'll be right back in the same situation a few months from now, as you are today. Therefore, you will need to give your heart and all your cares to God and cast down anything that goes against His Word. Don't believe it; cast it down, give it to God, and let Him take care of the situation for you.
Once you establish a strong relationship with God, pray, then be patient. QUIT WORRYING. Life has dealt you a blow, but you cannot sit around and worry all the time. God will take all your burdens and carry them for you. Unless, of course you enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
You need healing, so ask the Holy Spirit to rid of your anger, your fear, your anxieties. Ask God to remove everything that is keeping you from restoring your marriage. Give God all your burdens and let Him take care of them for you. Once you've given Him your burdens, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Him. Have faith that He will take care of all your needs, your problems, your trials, your emotional roller coaster ride. He wants to help you...all you have to do is ask. Ask, then:
LEAVE IT ALONE!
"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord". Don't wake up in the morning and say, "Well! I'm feeling much stronger now. I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave God your burdens and He is taking care of them for you. He will renew your strength and cover you in His peace. If you take your problems back, you will be right back where you started. Leave them with Him and forget about them. Just let Him do His job.
TALK TO HIM
He wants you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know He is in control. But don't forget to talk to Him often. He loves you. He wants to hear your voice. He wants you to include him in everything in your life. He wants to hear you talk about your friends, your family and the things you like best. Prayer is simply having a conversation with Him. He wants to be your best friend.
He sees a lot of things from up above that you cannot see from where you are. Have faith that He knows what He is doing. Trust Him. He will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Him. How hard can trust be?
Satan will say, "The marriage is over, she has hardened her heart against you. She is moving on with her life, and you are not included. You might as well get a divorce because you really messed up this time, and it's too late now."
But God says, "I can do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond all that you can ask, think or imagine. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world, for I am in you. You can do all things through Christ because I will give you strength to overcome. Trust in Me. Do not lean on your own understanding. I am smiling down on you right now. I CAN heal your marriage and will bring about a wonderful reconciliation because I work all things together for the good. Be confident and patient and you will receive My favor in amazing ways. I am a BIG God, there is nothing too difficult for Me. You are blessed, you are victorious. I will open up doors that no man can shut. My blessings are running down on you now and they are overtaking you. I love you, I will take care of this situation for you. Stand strong in faith and trust Me, and get out of my way because I'm coming through, and I'm coming through in the Name of Jesus."
Don't listen to your emotions because they will lie to you. It doesn't matter what it feels like or seems like at the time, God will heal your marriage, and He will heal it in His time, not yours. If your spouse has left you, don't call her, don't write her, don't let her know how you feel. Let it go and let God. God will put the right person in her way to soften her heart and bring about a change. God will go into her heart and exchange it with His.
PRAY FOR YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE
As Christians we are not to bow out at the sign of defeat. Instead we are to confront the enemy and put on the full armor of God. If your husband/wife has left you and has hardened her heart, she is in danger of the eternal fire because she has gone against God's word. "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate)" and has broken her covenant promise. She has been deceived by the enemy.
However, if a man is ignorant of God's laws and lives by the ways of the world, then finds God and gives his life to Him, he will be forgiven for everything he has done up until that time, and will not be held accountable. His sins will be washed away, cleansed, and God will not remember them anymore. But a person who knows God and is not ignorant, there is no excuse for what he does in sin. He will be judged and it won't be pleasant, you can be assured of that. If we stand in prayer for them, God will shake them from their sin and save them once again. ~Unknown~
Transforming Power of Grace
Welcome. You may have come because your marriage has suddenly taken a turn for the worse, and you're seeking relief or solutions. You may be in the middle of what we call a "Stand" (trying to save your marriage on your own) and looking for additional resources. Whatever it may be, I hope the collected content on this page is of help.
Please note: I don't author any of this (or very little). I have merely collected what I can from sources that have helped me, in order to keep them all in one convenient spot for reference and distribution.
"The man of real faith believes the Word, but it has been illuminated so that he knows what the Word means...His heart has been opened to the Word. The given revelation is a means to an end, and God is the end, not the text itself. That's why I never fight over a translation and get all worked up and steamed over it. A text is a means to an end...the illumination is what matters." - A.W. Tozer, The Attributes of God, Vol 1, p.19
Review of Current Translations
My target audience for this site is the Christian who is struggling to Stand in Faith and Trust on our Lord Jesus Christ. Some of you may not be believers as such, but may find much of what I present here to be beneficial nonetheless.
How do we deal with the spouse who is (or claims to be) a Christian but has backslid and is now engaged in adultery? How do we reconcile such massive contradictions, especially with what we are hearing from their mouths as excuses, etc? How do we get over the hurt and pain of the betrayal we have received from our spouse? A lot of the books presented above deal with this, but these books and articles may also help.
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Standing will often draw criticism, negativity and/or disbelief from your family and friends, who will tell you you're delusional or "Move on, God has someone better for you". No! (He doesn't) Being called to Stand for your marriage is not for everyone - but if God has called you to Stand, you'll know. You'll also need some amazing resources for the difficult times ahead. For books on Standing, these are some great references.
For many of you, Marriage Counseling books are an excellent place to begin, especially in crisis situations like separation and adultery. I'll say, "Love Life"'s Chapter 15 was the first book I read upon my separation, and it was the greatest springboard into Standing, before I even knew what Standing was...and it also was the first resource I had on how to deal with the adultery in my marriage. I recommend that everyone buy this book for their marriage (If you've just discovered an affair in your marriage, "Love Must Be Tough" is fantastic early on - don't wait like I did, when it wasn't as relevant).
Kealios' Repository of Knowledge of Many Things
Why we call this Standing: Ezekiel 22:30, "I searched for a man among them who would repair the wall and stand in the gap before Me on behalf of the land so that I might not destroy it, but I found no one."
I have come to strongly believe that Divorce (for almost all situations), and CERTAINLY Remarriage, isn't Biblical. Our society has drifted so far from what Jesus intended for us. I recommend that you challenge your beliefs with these awesome books, and if you become convinced as I am, please help spread the word. We need to get these out to every Christian and every Church in America if we are to stop this horrible slide our nation is in:
Going outside your marriage for sexual and emotional satisfaction is wrong, sinful and unjustifiable, regardless of the condition of your marriage.
- Isaac Kubvoruno, Together 4 Ever Facebook group
The concept of Divorce and Remarriage isn't a central theme to Christianity - in other words, it isn't a doctrine that you would preach to another in order to get them saved. It is controversial and divisive, however, and it has wrecked more than its fair share of homes that should have stayed together. The enemy is alive and well in our midst.
It is not my job to make anybody else see what I believe to be God's truth as contained in Scriptures, however - and it would be the height of arrogance for me to think otherwise. Nor is it my place to question the translations of God's Word. While I believe some translations may be "better" than others, more accurate than others, or even more "fresh" or "relevant" than others, the simple truth is that God reveals Himself and His truths to people through His Holy Spirit if they seek Him - regardless of the translation used!
1 John 2:27 (NRSV), "As for you, the anointing that you received from him abides in you, and so you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, abide in him."
I understand that God can speak through whatever translation or version of His Word that you read - however, language is still comprised of words, and words can fail us - especially when translated from one language to another. As I mentioned above, the doctrine of Divorce and Remarriage is in the hands of God - but the earthly argument revolves around the definition of ONE word: porneia. This is the Greek word that Jesus uses in His "exception clauses" in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9. Because of that (read the articles I placed at the top of this page, or on the Media page!), I wanted to know which translations used what I have been lead to believe is the correct definition of this word, which is fornication. When translated instead as "Sexual Immorality" or "Marital Unfaithfulness", or any attempt to define this word as a catch-all phrase that includes adultery, it falls far short of both the recorded usage of the word as well as God's intent - but again, I urge you to delve into this yourself.
Why does this bother me? I've been studying this subject for awhile. The best authority I found on it is "Except for Fornication" by Daniel Jennings. My own marriage is not suffering from this exact misunderstanding, per se, but I can guarantee that it has not helped the situation at all.
So what? Why do I care? I feel that this mis-translation and misunderstanding of such a fundamental verse that applies to all our lives (if you're on this page, it's likely for a reason) is evidence of the direction our society is going in. It was demoralizing to find so many varied translations making the same mistake - and based on the many books and countless online articles I have read (many of which I have linked to on the Resources page here), I do truly believe they are mistakes of the uninformed.
Let me just highlight the point that all of us, including me, need to be refrain from hanging on every word in our written texts as if they were "gospel" - while inspired by God, the translations and revisions are human and can be influenced by popular culture. Instead, rely on the Holy Spirit to direct you in your understanding of what you read.
If and when God calls me to begin affecting the Church and what others believe - regardless of what that looks like - then my stance here may change. Even then, it will be with His methods and not mine. Until then, I will concern myself with whatI believe, and I will continue my delight in studying His Word for myself, and I hope and encourage you all to do the same. God is big enough to take care of others, and His Word can certainly defend itself. It has, after all, held its own for millennium.
On a side note, see the green button there that links to side-by-side translations of the Matt 19:9a verse.
History of Translations
So where do you start? If you are unfamiliar with what Standing is, these pages are your best bet, as these websites and ministries are devoted to restoring broken marriages: